The Bold and the Bitten.

So I signed up to get text summaries of news articles from the local newspaper, Correio Brasilense, which is both informative and helpful for my Portuguese.  Not surprisingly, I get articles about Covid counts, political happenings, the approach of the dry season, and lottery results.   All things I expected.  What I didn’t expect was the ongoing real life soap opera about the veterinary student bitten by a snake that popped up in my feed.  I gave it a quick read, got hooked, and have been anxiously awaiting every update.  It has become a real life soap opera and also a welcome break to find this quirky little story shoehorned in between all of the serious articles of the day.  Clearly someone at the newspaper is as desperate to spice things up as I am to read about something other than politics and Covid because new articles about this story have been published almost daily for several weeks now.

Now, a couple things before I share my cliff notes version of As The Snake Bites.  

First, this is my retelling of my translation, so well, you know.  And it is also the kind of story that really just calls out for some exaggeration and literary license.  All known falsehoods and attempts to fabricate a back story will be designated in italics.  Everything else is the truth as far as my Portuguese knows it.  

Next, the student bitten by the snake is ok, and getting better.  

Last, the Portuguese word for snake is cobra, which takes some getting used to.  It helps to realize that there are no cobras native to Brazil, but it does still get your attention when someone says to not step on the cobra over there.

Lead Off Article: 22 year old veterinary student shows up at hospital having been bitten by snake.  Concerning, yes, out of the ordinary, I don’t know.  It’s the first snakebite I have heard of happening here.

Second Article: Snake in question is a cobra, which the article explains does not live in Brazil.  This flies in the face of my understanding of Portuguese until I read on and see that it is not just a generic portuguese “cobra”, but a “cobra naja” which is the real deal cobra from Asia.  So it’s the “naja” part you have to pay attention to.  Note to self to open with that question when I next meet a snake.

Third Article: Police cannot find said cobra and open an investigation into the origin of the now missing snake.  What? How do you lose a snake?  Is this like the boa constrictors who have been released into the wild in Florida and are running rampant?  Are there Asiatic Cobras running amok in Brasilia?  I am assuming that the student who was bitten is in no shape to tell them where to find the snake.

Fourth Article: Cobra is mysteriously and anonymously delivered to a shopping mall nowhere near where the student lives.  Oh, now it’s getting good.  This is like cloak and dagger, electronically altered voice stuff.  “The snake you are looking for is behind the Orange Julius at the mall.  You have thirty minutes.”  My guess here is that the friends of Mister Snakebite were smart enough to know that the hospital can’t really do much until they know what kind of snake bit their buddy, but were also still hoping to avoid trouble.

So the police apprehend the snake, which amounts to finding the clear rubbermaid the snake calls home.  According to the article, the snake is quite pleasant and not at all aggressive, showing clear signs of being someone’s pet: asking to be let out to poop, drinking from the toilet, turning it’s nose up at canned rat, etc. 

Fifth Article:  This one is about Mister Snakebite’s social media accounts, which show him with not only the apprehended snake, but other illegal and exotic snakes.  Seriously, you couldn’t come up with a better hobby than photoshoots with illegal venomous snakes?  Interestingly, the police cannot locate any of those other snakes now.

Next Article: Mister Snakebite is now in a coma awaiting anti-venom, of which there is only one dose in Brazil, located a flight away in Sao Paolo.  I am actually impressed there is a dose somewhere in country considering the snake is not native to Brazil.  Somewhere there is someone in a procurement office telling a buddy, “see, I told you we would need that.”

Next Article: The police interview the victim’s friends and began a citywide search for the other snakes from the social media posts that are now suspected to be in the area.  Through one source or another,  the police locate an entire illegal snake breeding operation where they think that the original Mister Bitey Snake came from, eventually finding 16 other snakes hidden in a horse stall in a barn.  It becomes like one of those massive drug busts where all the confiscated drugs are on display like a trophy, except it’s a pile of clear rubbermaid bins.  Somehow them all being stashed under a pile of hay in a barn just makes it all the better.

Next Article: The snake breeding ring collapses, and the defendants claim that all the snakes were being kept for scientific observation.  That is the herpetologist’s version of “I didn’t inhale!”  Meanwhile, the victim wakes from his coma, thanks the hospital staff for saving him, and has a curious craving for cuy.

Next Article: With help from the herpetologists at the zoo in Brasilia, it is found that ten of the sixteen snakes are not native to Brazil.  So now, perhaps just to increase readership and curb appeal, the group of friends under investigation gets designated as an international smuggling operation, sadly without the additional even sexier “with ties to organized crime” status, but we will take what we can get.

And just because, while the expanding police search is unable to locate any more snakes, it does manage to find three illegal sharks.  So now we have an illegal shark operation too?  What fifth grader made up this story? The sharks claim not to know any of the snakes in question.

The author of the most recent and final article I have seen decided it would be important for everyone to know the going rate to illegally purchase a venomous cobra, which is about R$7,000.  And just so you know, with the current exchange rate, there really is no better time to buy.  Thankfully the author also saved their journalistic integrity by including the legally available list of snakes for purchase, reputable locations for said purchases, and which snake is trending right now, which apparently is the rainbow boa.

And so Snakes of Our Lives has come to an end.  As serious as wildlife trafficking is, it was sure nice to have something to read in the newspaper that made me smile more than it did cry.  No matter where you are, and no matter your situation, it is my genuine hope that you can still find small moments that make you smile.

With heads down and hopes up from Brasilia,

Be safe, be well, and be happy,

Adam